Should I Stop With The Date Titles?

Just a thought that was running through my head the other day, after posting my seemingly obsessive blog.
Do I seem obsessed to you?
Just a curious question.
I'm not. Possessive, yes, but not obsessed...
Unless you count the OCD, but that's not the main point.
Digression is my biggest flaw.
In any case...
I don't know.
Huh.
I was angry earlier, but not it all went away when I saw his face.
It's like he has some sort of magical spell on me, where the moment my eyes meet his, all my sadness is forgotten. At least, until he leaves...
Or I do.
Or we get into some sort of rare argument.
Shockingly enough, we don't get into REAL arguments. Usually our "fighting" consists of play fighting, and when we do get into a real argument, we usually forgive each other within fifteen minutes and forget anything ever happened.

I've been slightly obsessing with fairytales.
I picked up the Complete Brothers Grimm Collection book and have been reading the ones that either interest me, or are familiar to me.
I also found out that those are not the original fairytales.
The originals date back to the 1600's, which is a way's from Brothers Grimm, in the 1800's.
I'm not in the biggest mood to share all the gruesome details,
but I might in one of these posts.
And if he doesn't do anything stupid to cause my depression to worsen...

March 11th, 2010 - 8:32PM

He isn't on. He isn't on. He isn't on.
Why isn't he on?
I thought he said he was going to be on today...
He even asked if I was going to be on, and if I wanted to talk.
I'm getting impatient.
We just had a fight, I don't need another reason to fight.
No. No. No.
I'm scared. What if something happened, and he can't get on? What if he's mad at me for something? What if he's scared of talking to me?
I'm okay. I already accepted his apology, we should be okay and having a daily conversation by now... Why isn't he on???
...
...
Maybe he finally realized he hates me.
He probably did.
Fuck.
That means I need to find another guy before I get jittery.
But I really don't want to.
But maybe I have to.
...
I really hate my alter-ego sometimes, she's almost always right.
She was right about my last ex, and maybe she's right about this one... I really hope not. I want to keep this one, no matter what everybody tells me. No matter what she tells me. I mean, my mom loves him. My whole family loves him, even the kids. And they mean the world to me, as much as my puppy/son.
...
But he still isn't on... My paranoia is kicking in and it -- HE SENT ME AN IM!!!!!

March 10th, 2010 - 1:13AM, technically 11th.

Sometimes he just pisses me off.

That’s the only thought that’s running through my head as we type.

I can’t even enjoy a simple game of FreeCell without the stupid sentence floating in there.

I’m so fucking pissed.

And he thinks he has a right to be pissed at me?

…

Well, maybe he does. I’m usually the one that’s always pissed, so why not give him a chance?

Because he’s the one that’s supposed to be calm.

But I need to understand that I’m not the only one with emotions. No matter what my counter-part says. We all have emotions as humans. It’s a chemical we can’t get out of.

As much as it will hurt to feel the aftermath of slamming my fingers and thumb in to the keyboard, I need to be able to deal with my emotions. As much as it pains me. As much as it sucks.

I could always leave him.

He could always leave me.

But he’s too emotionally attached to me, seeing as I’m his first real girlfriend, that he won’t do me the favor of breaking up.

All this doubting cannot be healthy.

Huh, I finally took off that ring I told myself the minute he gave to me, I’d never take off.

And now I feel… A little… weird?

I can’t place into works what I feel.

It’s like a mixture of freedom, hate, love, and wanting.

All contradictions of each other, but it’s the only way to describe it.

I cannot look at the ring right now.

Though no promise was officially made on the ring, I can’t bare to see it, nor the “palm tree”.

My reflection feels uglier, too.

Then again, it’s always ugly.

Unless I cover all my imperfections with make-up but it’s late at night, and I don’t plan on going out right now… though I can easily call him up, and we can go bowling to cool off or wherever he wants to take me. I haven’t seen him in a while now. And it’s a good yet bad thing.

Good, because we’re both showing that we’ve moved on, yet bad, because I do miss him. As a friend only, of course.

I have no idea what I’m going to do with this document. I want to save it, but what if he sees it? ; I want to delete it, but I like to keep a record of everything I’ve thought, said, and written, or in this case, typed.

It’s just a way of keeping my memory, as well as memories, in track. And sometimes I type, say, or write some things that just amaze me in the latter years.

Back on topic… I have no topic anymore.

I’m not mad. At least, I don’t think so.

I’m kind of… emotionless right now.

I think my mind is shoving everything back again. This is the step-by-step process I go through when I’m P.O.’d or depressed. Now-a-days, anyway.

My face looks normal on the looking glass… normal in my standards; decent-looking. The wrinkles that always seem to pop up when I’m… not in a good mood, are mostly gone.

I look tired. But I think that’s only because of the lack of emotion I have now.

I hate this state, especially when I’m around other people.

Well, it’s a good thing I look tired, instead of depressed. Least they don’t ask that dreaded question: “What’s wrong?”

Instead, they act cocky and think I’m tired, pointing it out in the most annoying of ways. And in most cases, it’s almost as bad as the question. They might as well re-tell me the story of why I’m in such a bad mood and have to go through the process.

The process… Is that what I’ve begun to call it now?

I’m not surprised I even have a name for it. I’ve had a weekly “process” for the past year now, if not more. I think I’m beginning to get used to it now… or maybe I’m just trying to deny the fact that this is the worst time of my life.

I really just want to let go of life sometimes…

Everyone will get over me in, maybe a couple months tops.

Trust me, I know. People may think a certain way, but when the actual thing happens, they act a different way.

I have no doubt in my mind I will not be missed for long.

In fact, that’s what drives me to almost be on suicide watch… but we all know I can easily get away with it, if I really wanted to. I’m not with someone 24/7, and just being in my room all day in not something that’s uncommon in this household.

And he doesn’t talk to me much, though he’s somewhat beginning to now, I can easily just not sign in, or pretend I’m sleeping…

Yea, sleeping.

It’ll all just be an eternal sleep.

Though, my soul is more-than-likely damned, at least it’ll give me something to do for some time.

Maybe God’ll let me make-up for all the crap I’ve pulled, lies I’ve told, sins I’ve caused and done. Maybe He’ll let me live with my grandmother in heaven after. Maybe.

I wonder if I’m always like this during the monotone state of the Process.

Maybe it’s just because TicTak is asleep… he always knows how to cheer me up. It’s why I love him more than anything else in this damned world. He’s the shining light in my world. I don’t care what anyone says, I love my dog more than words can describe. He’s loyal. He’s amiable. He can just look at me and instantly make me happy; make me forget my sins, lies, doubts, everything, and just think about the best friend I’ve had since I was eight.

No matter how I ugly or pretty I look, he always loves me and wants to be near me. And that’s the biggest thing I love about him, he’s just there.

He’s the only one who’s proven himself to me.

He’s my beloved son.

I don’t know what I’d do without him… I’d most likely be dead and not have another care on planet Earth, but that’s beside the point.

I guess the main point of this is that I can’t just have a dog in my life. I need more. And the part that sucks most is that I can’t seem to find happiness in anyone I’ve been with.

It’s like the whole “fifteen minutes of fame” quote. Just re-worded to “fifteen minutes of love”.

I really don’t think I need to describe the meaning of that.

But with Current Boy, it’s just a cycle of: fifteen minutes, promises, sex, flirt, fight, make-up, repeat.

It’s never-fucking-ending. And I guess that’s what pisses me off the most.

I was warned not to date a guy that’s younger than me, and I’m beginning to see that maybe I shouldn’t have…

It’s not leading to anything positive anymore.

After the whole sex thing, the “greatest” thing that’s happened was us breaking-up. And that was not in any way, shape, or form, amazing.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart, but it’s beginning to seem like as if we want to just tear apart again and for good.

We argue about the most stupid things and most of the time I don’t understand why I get pissed off, or why he gets pissed off.

I have a bit more of an excuse though, since I have BPD, but I don’t understand what’s wrong with him.

He’s supposed to know my mental disorders. He was the one who signed up, and he knows well that he can leave whenever he wants. He knows I will never hold a grudge on him. I understand, I’m not easy to love, at all.

And if the only reason he’s staying with me is because he doesn’t “want to feel like a quitter”, then I will seriously be pissed off.