Sometimes he just pisses me off.
That’s the only thought that’s running through my head as we type.
I can’t even enjoy a simple game of FreeCell without the stupid sentence floating in there.
I’m so fucking pissed.
And he thinks he has a right to be pissed at me?
…
Well, maybe he does. I’m usually the one that’s always pissed, so why not give him a chance?
Because he’s the one that’s supposed to be calm.
But I need to understand that I’m not the only one with emotions. No matter what my counter-part says. We all have emotions as humans. It’s a chemical we can’t get out of.
As much as it will hurt to feel the aftermath of slamming my fingers and thumb in to the keyboard, I need to be able to deal with my emotions. As much as it pains me. As much as it sucks.
I could always leave him.
He could always leave me.
But he’s too emotionally attached to me, seeing as I’m his first real girlfriend, that he won’t do me the favor of breaking up.
All this doubting cannot be healthy.
Huh, I finally took off that ring I told myself the minute he gave to me, I’d never take off.
And now I feel… A little… weird?
I can’t place into works what I feel.
It’s like a mixture of freedom, hate, love, and wanting.
All contradictions of each other, but it’s the only way to describe it.
I cannot look at the ring right now.
Though no promise was officially made on the ring, I can’t bare to see it, nor the “palm tree”.
My reflection feels uglier, too.
Then again, it’s always ugly.
Unless I cover all my imperfections with make-up but it’s late at night, and I don’t plan on going out right now… though I can easily call him up, and we can go bowling to cool off or wherever he wants to take me. I haven’t seen him in a while now. And it’s a good yet bad thing.
Good, because we’re both showing that we’ve moved on, yet bad, because I do miss him. As a friend only, of course.
I have no idea what I’m going to do with this document. I want to save it, but what if he sees it? ; I want to delete it, but I like to keep a record of everything I’ve thought, said, and written, or in this case, typed.
It’s just a way of keeping my memory, as well as memories, in track. And sometimes I type, say, or write some things that just amaze me in the latter years.
Back on topic… I have no topic anymore.
I’m not mad. At least, I don’t think so.
I’m kind of… emotionless right now.
I think my mind is shoving everything back again. This is the step-by-step process I go through when I’m P.O.’d or depressed. Now-a-days, anyway.
My face looks normal on the looking glass… normal in my standards; decent-looking. The wrinkles that always seem to pop up when I’m… not in a good mood, are mostly gone.
I look tired. But I think that’s only because of the lack of emotion I have now.
I hate this state, especially when I’m around other people.
Well, it’s a good thing I look tired, instead of depressed. Least they don’t ask that dreaded question: “What’s wrong?”
Instead, they act cocky and think I’m tired, pointing it out in the most annoying of ways. And in most cases, it’s almost as bad as the question. They might as well re-tell me the story of why I’m in such a bad mood and have to go through the process.
The process… Is that what I’ve begun to call it now?
I’m not surprised I even have a name for it. I’ve had a weekly “process” for the past year now, if not more. I think I’m beginning to get used to it now… or maybe I’m just trying to deny the fact that this is the worst time of my life.
I really just want to let go of life sometimes…
Everyone will get over me in, maybe a couple months tops.
Trust me, I know. People may think a certain way, but when the actual thing happens, they act a different way.
I have no doubt in my mind I will not be missed for long.
In fact, that’s what drives me to almost be on suicide watch… but we all know I can easily get away with it, if I really wanted to. I’m not with someone 24/7, and just being in my room all day in not something that’s uncommon in this household.
And he doesn’t talk to me much, though he’s somewhat beginning to now, I can easily just not sign in, or pretend I’m sleeping…
Yea, sleeping.
It’ll all just be an eternal sleep.
Though, my soul is more-than-likely damned, at least it’ll give me something to do for some time.
Maybe God’ll let me make-up for all the crap I’ve pulled, lies I’ve told, sins I’ve caused and done. Maybe He’ll let me live with my grandmother in heaven after. Maybe.
I wonder if I’m always like this during the monotone state of the Process.
Maybe it’s just because TicTak is asleep… he always knows how to cheer me up. It’s why I love him more than anything else in this damned world. He’s the shining light in my world. I don’t care what anyone says, I love my dog more than words can describe. He’s loyal. He’s amiable. He can just look at me and instantly make me happy; make me forget my sins, lies, doubts, everything, and just think about the best friend I’ve had since I was eight.
No matter how I ugly or pretty I look, he always loves me and wants to be near me. And that’s the biggest thing I love about him, he’s just there.
He’s the only one who’s proven himself to me.
He’s my beloved son.
I don’t know what I’d do without him… I’d most likely be dead and not have another care on planet Earth, but that’s beside the point.
I guess the main point of this is that I can’t just have a dog in my life. I need more. And the part that sucks most is that I can’t seem to find happiness in anyone I’ve been with.
It’s like the whole “fifteen minutes of fame” quote. Just re-worded to “fifteen minutes of love”.
I really don’t think I need to describe the meaning of that.
But with Current Boy, it’s just a cycle of: fifteen minutes, promises, sex, flirt, fight, make-up, repeat.
It’s never-fucking-ending. And I guess that’s what pisses me off the most.
I was warned not to date a guy that’s younger than me, and I’m beginning to see that maybe I shouldn’t have…
It’s not leading to anything positive anymore.
After the whole sex thing, the “greatest” thing that’s happened was us breaking-up. And that was not in any way, shape, or form, amazing.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart, but it’s beginning to seem like as if we want to just tear apart again and for good.
We argue about the most stupid things and most of the time I don’t understand why I get pissed off, or why he gets pissed off.
I have a bit more of an excuse though, since I have BPD, but I don’t understand what’s wrong with him.
He’s supposed to know my mental disorders. He was the one who signed up, and he knows well that he can leave whenever he wants. He knows I will never hold a grudge on him. I understand, I’m not easy to love, at all.
And if the only reason he’s staying with me is because he doesn’t “want to feel like a quitter”, then I will seriously be pissed off.
